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spring 2010

Escaping a Heritage of Dysfunction

by Louise Franklin

Carey Sipp

Carey Sipp, a former All Saints’ choir member, has written The TurnAround Mom, a book about her physical, emotional, and spiritual pilgrimage from family alcoholism and what she calls “ toxic intensity” to a life of relative security and normalcy for herself and her children. Carey believes the path she followed helps others break multi-generational cycles that trap them in fear and pain. As Jack Canfield, co-creator of Chicken Soup for the Soul series, says, “The TurnAround Mom is an action plan to save your family in these toxic times.” Carey Sipp spoke this year's Women’s Luncheon on May 2. The first essay she ever wrote about life as a single mom was published in this very publication almost 15 years ago and is included in her book.

Family Background

Carey grew up with a violent alcoholic father who regularly abused her mother, terrorizing Carey and her brother. As Carey explains, “My grandfather was abusive to my father; my dad ran away from home at fifteen and lied about his age to join the Navy, where he learned how to drink and fight. He brought all of his rage and anger into our family.” Moreover, her extended family had issues as well, so there was no one to model a healthy family dynamic. Much of Carey’s growing up years were spent in a state of high anxiety; she later recognized – in herself and others – the need to recreate that anxiety because “it is what we know, and humans feel comfort in what they know, especially when they are stressed.”

Carey tells us that “toxic intensity addicts escape reality by creating and maintaining a cycle of chaos, confusion, and anxiety, then seek relief from the negative results by using any combination of alcohol, drugs, work, abuse, their own adrenalin, rage, relationships, sex, money mismanagement, overeating, dishonesty, and other self-destructive, compulsive behaviors.”

The Road to Recovery

Mothers living in what Carey calls “the family heirloom of dysfunction” often over-extend and under-care for themselves, making it intensely difficult to care for their children. Until or unless there is some major breakpoint, most of these mothers stay in denial of the legacy of pain they are passing on to their children. Unaware of twelve-step and other recovery programs that can help them heal, sadly they don’t show their children how to live with sanity, joy, and serenity. What you don’t know, you cannot teach.

Carey says a major step forward occurs when a mother comes to believe that she does have options. She learns she does not have to pass her pain along to her children. The book combines a compelling story and practical steps that can help mothers to turn their will over to a higher power and become open to practicing healthy self-care, building a support structure, and creating a sane and loving home life. As the old saying goes, “Actions speak louder than words.”

An important practice in Carey’s recovery was writing down stories from the past, confronting her emotions at the time, and then deciding how she would handle these situations now with her new tools gained in recovery programs and intensive therapy.

Each chapter has the same structure, composed of three vignettes and a list of resources:

The Author in Her Own Words

In a recent interview I probed deeper into some of the dysfunctions described in the book.

Q:  When did it dawn on you that the life you had lead wasn’t normal?
A: During college, I spent several months as a nanny for a family with two young children. The way they cared for and supported each other was a revelation. I had never seen anything like it. At the time I didn’t have the skills to figure out how to take that peacefulness with me. Over the years as a single mom, I asked this mom for help with my own family. I am immensely grateful to this family and have been close to them and their children for 34 years!

Q: Why was there no one to help you during your childhood?
A: Back in the 60s people didn’t talk about their family problems. We were afraid and didn’t know things could be different. Further, since like attracts like, many of my friends and boyfriends had issues with an attraction to toxic intensity, too. Families with these problems didn’t ask for help. Addicts hate asking for help.

Q: Your first husband sounds like a break from that pattern.
A: True. He grew up in a normal household with devoted parents. But our marriage failed largely due to my toxic intensity and obsession with control. Our marriage might have succeeded if I had been in a recovery program in those years.

Q: When did you join a recovery program?
A: Not until after my divorce in 1994. The pain was searing, and a friend encouraged me to seek help. I was finally ready to face my demons and create a better life for myself and my children. I did not want them to go through what I had been through.

Q: What has been the major focus of your life since then?
A: Staying in recovery. Rearing children who are healthy and happy. Working on forgiveness and being non-judgmental. Letting God work his healing in his own time. Finding joy and humor in the stuff of everyday life. Learning to love peacefulness and serenity. Recognizing abundance. Trying to model sanity and healthy responsibility to my children. Thanking God for “normal days” and the ability to be of service.

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